I was molested by a family member
I am 17, and I am currently living in New York. When I was in Jamaica I was a mess. I got molested by a family member when I was in grade three, and since then I wasn't the same. I couldn't get sexual thoughts out of my head. I even witnessed my father abusing my mother on several occasions, and I wasn't happy about it. The witnessing of the domestic abuse and the molestation got to my head and kicked me when I was in grade eight.
I never knew how to express myself, and what was up, until I tried to kill myself. I was counselled at school and at the hospital, but it never helped. The case was tried and resolved when I was in grade 11. He was found guilty but only given two years' probation. I get to see him every day enjoying life when he should be in prison. I took my schoolwork seriously, but when school wasn't in session, the devil had a hand on me.
When I was in grade nine, I wanted to feel what it was like to be in love, so I dropped my guards and had boyfriends. But all that went south when I found out that all the guys did was cheat on me - like I wasn't good enough for any of them.
When I was in grade 10, I couldn't control my sexual thoughts anymore, but I still kept my virginity and did masturbation. I had a boyfriend. I didn't love him and that was always a problem.
I literally didn't care that I was the 'side piece'. He was in love with me and he would melt in my hands all the time, but he loved his other girlfriend.
I would let him finger me and kiss me, but I wasn't ready to give away my virginity. He wasn't always around, so I had someone else as a substitute, and that person figured me out by grade 11. All I wanted was sex.
By the end of grade 11, I had a boyfriend who was a little older than me. We had so much in common, and he did things to me which guys only did in the movies. I decided to lose my virginity to him, and after that things changed.
One morning, I woke up to a text from his other girlfriend telling me to leave her man alone. I confronted him and he said I should forget her; I told him I am not stupid. I left him, but he started going around and telling everyone we had sex. He even went as far as telling his girlfriend that I was too low for him and I was the one who threw myself at him. That girl never left me alone.
They eventually got me on my wrong side and I was fed up. I got my revenge by becoming friends with his girlfriend and she left him. He decided to get even with me by threatening to bring something to the school board that could get me expelled, so I surrendered because I had places to go in the future and he was dunce and small-minded.
Suddenly, they got back together a day after because he bought her trust by degrading me even more, and they both shunned me. They both blocked me and moved on with their lives.
I forgave them both, but I was still very hurt. The incident only encouraged me more to use men for pleasure and push them aside until I wanted them again.
I want to get rid of this bad side of me and be a better person, but it's hard. I went back to therapy and it still couldn't help me.
Please help me, pastor. I don't want to continue like this.
You said that you were molested by a family member. Evidently, whatever he did, he did not penetrate you because you still remained a virgin.
You went to therapy, but you were very angry, and you stopped therapy too soon. The truth is, you are fighting with yourself, and whether you are going to accept what I am saying or not, you need help.
You should be seeing someone who would take the time to show you where you are going wrong. Please, do not think that I am condemning you. I am not. Young people your age may go through struggles and, at times, feel that the only way out is to kill themselves.
If you ever feel that way, drop what you are doing and call your pastor or a counsellor and tell them how you are feeling and ask them to pray for you.
I am begging you, therefore, to call your therapist and ask him or her to take you back for more sessions.