Fighting to get out of my depression
I am in need of prayer. Growing up wasn't exactly easy for me. I lived right behind the church and I would go regularly. I didn't grow up with a father.
I've only seen him about five times in my entire life.
I'm going into grade 11 in September. I'm currently 16. In grade nine, I used to have this emptiness in me - like I couldn't feel emotions.
In grade 10 before January, I wanted to contact my father badly. Added to the things I was going through, it made me so depressed.
I used to pray and beg God to let me get in contact with him. I was literally depressed. My family didn't really recognise it.
Sometimes I would close my door and cry or cry in the bathroom at school. I even had suicidal thoughts. I knew I wouldn't kill myself, but that didn't stop the thoughts from entering my mind.
I felt like my mind wasn't my own. I constantly had the temptation to cut myself, but I didn't. Instead, I wrote deeply depressing poems.
Anyway, I got in contact with him around December. My mother warned me not to listen to him too much and that he would break my heart. I didn't really believe her.
I opened up to him, told him stuff and believed in him, but expectations do lead to disappointments sometimes, and boy, I was disappointed and hurt.
He said he would visit me at school and that he would send money. He didn't do any of these.
Once I remember me asking him if I'm the only child he's not taking care of and he said yes and apologised. He has five other children.
It's like when he lost contact with me, he started over with a new family and forget all about me. He knew where my mother worked and he made no effort to find me. I was bitter and hurt.
I'm still hurt. I have a father who doesn't support me any at all, not even financially, emotionally or mentally.
My mother hardly ever tells me that she loves me and hugs me and stuff like that. She says I'm too big for that now.
I'm my mother's only child, so imagine how I feel not been able to talk with my family about stuff.
With the depression, Jesus helped me and I'm thankful. But I feel like I'm falling back into depression at the moment.
I used to think that a boyfriend would help with the depression, but it didn't work. I did so much sinful stuff. I was just broken, and I'm still broken mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I need help.
Please pray about the situation. There's more to my story but there's just so much I can say now. I really want to work hard and leave the country.
I want to go to university in Canada. I need to leave the memories behind. I have no one there, but please pray for that and the CSEC exams coming up.
I'm planning to start a Christian movement. Please pray for that, too. Please just pray and pray and pray and pray for me. I need it.
Reading your letter, I believe that God has a special place for you. You are an intelligent, young woman. You mean well.
Although your father has not supported you, you have learned not to hate him. Thank God for that. Many young people hate their fathers and would have nothing to do with them.
You have tried to reach out to your father and to show him love. I want to ask you to continue to do so. Perhaps one of these days your father will come to realise the mistakes that he made as a man and as a father. Don't give up on him.
You have suffered from depression. Many people don't realise that children do suffer from depression. But you have learned to fight your depression by putting your life into God's hand and God has helped you, not just to survive, but to do well.
Yes, you have made mistakes; no one is perfect. The Bible says "No good thing will God withhold from those who walk uprightly".
You have the desire to go to university in Canada. Believe me, you will succeed.
There was a little chorus I learned many years ago that I will pass on to you. I don't know who wrote it, but as a child we sang it at church.
It says "I know the Lord will make a way for me. I know the Lord will make a way for me. If I live a holy life, shun the wrong and do the right. I know the Lord will make a way for me".
I would ask the world and all Christians to pray for you. God bless you, keep in touch with me.