Wife says marrying me was a big mistake

June 03, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I am having a hard time with my wife. She is supposed to be a Christian, but she does not behave as a Christian. She would drink, get drunk and curse me, and tell me I am no good. She was married before and she is still talking about her husband. I asked her why she divorced him, she said that was a big mistake she made, but the bigger mistake was marrying me.

My wife is very lazy, everybody she gets to work at the house, she accuses me of going to bed with them. These workers don't stay around for long because if she sees them talking to me, she tells them that they want to take away her husband from her.

One day I came home and my wife was under the bed. I did not know she was there. My wife went under the bed as she was hoping that she would catch me and the helper doing something.

This woman is crazy.

I have two children, but my wife never had children. I am 47 years old and she is 57 years old. She does not act her age; nobody likes her except the wife of the pastor, whose church we attend. Both of them are wrongdoers.

My wife used to live in England and sometimes I think the cold weather has affected her. At her age, she says she wants to go back to England. I used to discourage her from going, but now I am fed up. My children say that I should encourage her to go.

My daughter is not married, but I helped her to buy a two-bedroom house and she is encouraging me to come and live with her. I will do so, but I am afraid to leave and go to live with my daughter because I will soon hear from my wife that I am having an affair with my daughter.

When my wife is angry she says nasty things. Nothing good comes out of her mouth. The house in which we live belongs to both of us, but she has more money in it and she keeps talking about it all the time. I am so fed up and confused. I don't know what to do.

N.M.

Dear N.M.,

I doubt this woman will ever change. She is miserable and she needs to make peace with God. She said that it was a mistake divorcing her first husband, but it was a greater mistake marrying you. If she had said that once she could be excused, because it might have been said in anger. But she continues to repeat it. That says she means it. And she foolishly believes that there is a better life for her somewhere.

This woman should be living alone. Perhaps she needs a man, but she would have to make that man herself because she would get a man in trouble. She is not using common sense, and how long will a man tolerate a woman who is always accusing him of having affairs with every helper? She is an alcoholic, so she needs to get help to fight that disease.

She probably should contact Alcoholic Anonymous, which is a community-based programme that was created to help those struggling with problematic drinking.

Apart from her drinking problem, I also believe that she might have certain emotional and psychological problems. It could be that she really believes that you are having an affair with the people who work at the house. Why would she, therefore, go under the bed? She was hoping that she would catch you having sexual intercourse with your helper.

Try and get her to agree to go and see a family counsellor. You say that the wife of your pastor and her are good friends. Perhaps she too needs professional help. I don't know; I am only guessing. If you find that it is unbearable to live with this woman and she is insisting that she wants to go back to England, don't discourage her. Not having her around might relieve you from stress.

Pastor

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