My marriage is like a disaster

February 22, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am 44 years old and I am married, but my marriage life is like a disaster. I met my partner many years ago and we fell in love. We ended up having three children. I used to fool around a lot when I was much younger, but I stopped. I was able to get a piece of land and I built a three-bedroom house with the help of my father. It was hard going, but my family helped me. I didn't get any help from her side of the family.

A few years ago, I noticed there was a change in my wife. She got a job to work with a doctor and she was always coming home late, and using the excuse that she couldn't get any bus. I started to observe her carefully and I suspected that she was giving me 'bun'. Her face was so cool and fresh, and she smelled fresh as if she had a bath before coming home.

I had a big fuss with her because one day when she came home, she put her bag on a chair in the room and I looked into the bag and saw that she had an extra phone, which I didn't know about, and that was the phone she was using to communicate with her boyfriend. I took out the phone and put it in my car. Later in the night, she was looking for the phone but couldn't find it. I asked her what she was looking for and she said nothing.

You should see the type of messages she had in her phone between herself and this man. She could not deny that she was having sex with him. She stopped cooking and washing for me and she moved out of our room and started sleeping with our daughter .

My neighbours couldn't believe that we were not together. Six months rolled by and she wasn't doing anything for me. She kept coming and going as she pleased.

I knew the name of the man, so I called him and he admitted that they were friends and that she told him that we had separated. After six months, I got involved with another woman. She started to go to church, and she came to me and told me that she had changed, and she had become a Christian so we should make up. I told her that she was spoiled goods.

She moved back into the room and sometimes she would be in there naked and begging me to make love to her, but not even an erection I would get, and nothing is physically wrong with me. Her pastor told me that I should learn to forgive her for all she has done. I would like to know how you feel about it.


Dear T.H.,

Your wife has come to realise that she made a big mistake. She had an extra phone. She allowed herself to be carried away in a love affair. But now that she has changed and the relationship with the man has ended, she wants to be reconciled with you. What can I say? If a person is guilty of something but has changed, and is asking the one she wronged for forgiveness, how can he or she not forgive? I am just asking the question. In other words, I am saying to you now, how can you not forgive this woman if you love her?

I know it may be difficult to do so, but both of you have come from far and you have worked hard. She lied to the man with whom she had the affair, but she wants you back.

What I would suggest is that the both of you should go through a series of counselling sessions with a trained counsellor, and look at every area of your life and see if there is any area of your relationship that caused both of you to become intimately involved with other persons.

You have another girlfriend now, so going back to your wife would mean you will have to leave your girlfriend. It can be done if both of you are determined to be reconciled.


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