My wedding night was such a disappointment

December 06, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column. I am writing to you for your advice. I am a 27-year-old male. I have two children: one girl and a boy. The girl is five years old and the boy is two. Their mother and I broke up because of her wild ways. She always kept other men with me. She never admitted it until one day I got a phone call from a man I did not know. He told me that he was having an affair with her. I told him that he got the wrong number. He explained who he was and told me that he was tired of waiting on her because she always promised that she would leave me and come to him.

When I went home, I asked her about this man and she told me that she knows him and he has always been after her. But she told him it cannot work because the both of us have children and I have been a good father to the children and a good spouse to her. I called back the man and I could not get him. But a few days later, he called me and told me that he had seen my children's mother again and what they did together. After a lengthy argument between myself and her, I told her to leave. She did not leave. I was afraid of getting myself into trouble, so I packed up and went to stay with my grandmother.

I got baptised and became a Christian. I joined the church and met a young woman. We fell in love and we started to go out. This young woman told me that she was a virgin and she has never had sex. She was 24 years old. I told her about my past experience with my children's mother and she said that I wouldn't have that problem with her, because no man has ever seen her nakedness. I asked how could I know that she is really a virgin. She said I would have to take her word because she is not going to have sex with me before we are married because the Bible is against that.

One night after going out, I tried to force her to have sex with me and she got very, very angry, so I backed away. We set a date for marriage and I bought her a ring. She did not have any money to buy me a ring, but we had a small wedding. On my wedding night, I was so disappointed. This girl who assured me that she was a virgin, was no virgin at all. I know about women because I have had relationships with a few of them. I knew what to expect from a woman who is a virgin. Not even a drop of blood came as a result of our having sex. She couldn't explain herself to me, except to say she didn't have to bleed.

We were at the hotel for two nights, but I could not keep my cool. I cursed her stink and she cried. But I was not moved by her tears. We are still together, but I am an unhappy man. That is why I am writing to you for your advice.


Dear E.,

You are an unfortunate man. What benefit did this woman gain by lying to you? Well, I can answer my own question by saying that she wanted to get married. She could have told you the truth. She knew that she was not a virgin. She could have told you that she has had relationships with other men. She is a very wicked and untrustworthy woman. I suppose you are wondering whether you should divorce her or remain with her. I cannot really encourage you to divorce her and I hope that the day will come when you will be able to forgive her for the vicious lie she told.

Why should a Christian girl say that she has never had sex when she knows that she has. Having sex before marriage doesn't mean that a girl has committed a crime.

You thought you were going to a woman who was untouched. So, I understand how disappointed you felt on your wedding night. Your wife should understand that is not a joke. I am, therefore, going to suggest that both of you make an appointment with a family counsellor and talk over this big problem.


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